Hatter Rant 5/23/13

We have a guest writer today! My [Katie's] friend Alex Raborn has kindly given us a Hatter Rant! Please note that Alex likes her language...

"Bugs. Ew. Just the word bugs makes me want throw something at someone. But seriously? who likes bugs? Those little butt-holes just fly around and think they can do whatever they want wherever they can. Like no. Get the eff out of my cake you stupid gnat. CAKE. Yummy. I like really moist cake. That sounds wrong. But I definitely HATE with all of the hatred I could ever HATE with, DRY CAKE. LIKE WHO THE F*** WANTS TO EAT A DRY CAKE? ITS LIKE EATING A PIECE OF SPONGE! Sponges are annoying too. They either soak up a lot of water and just think they can effing drip wherever they want, or they pick up no water and you have to endlessly go back to the sink to get more water. Water is delicious. Except when you add all that liquid flavoring stuff. That stuff tastes like a dogs mouth. Not kidding you. You now what else tastes bad? Brussel sprouts. Those little effers taste like the inside of I don't even know. You could probably kill a baby feeding them those. Speaking of killing babies... just kidding. I'm not that type of person! But those type of people are really weird. Driving around in their white vans with their "free candy" (aka free STD's) and spools of rope in the back. White vans scare me. They are usually the cars of rapists, or carpet cleaning people. They scare me. Like they just come in your house and are like "HEY! LEMME CLEAN YO CARPETS FOR AN INSANELY HIGH PRICE!" Like really who in their right minds would want to have some creepy dude clean their carpets with their bug filled cleaners. Did I mention how much I hate bugs?"  

Thank you, Alex!

Hatter Rant 5/11/13

"So, I'm a teacher. Do you have any idea how obnoxious kids in class are? Like the one who always talks, oh to the Lord, I beat my head against a lamp when I get home. Everyday. Those ones with no common sense and especially, those flea-bitten, mind-maimed children who think that they speak American. No wonder they can't listen to me... English is a 'foreign language'! And NOT TO MENTION those kids who will make rude crude and obnoxious jokes. Let's not even go there. I mean, there are some kids who don't understand the meaning of the phrase "SHUT THE HELL UP AND LISTEN TO THE TEACHER." AND THEN... There are the children who aren't even obnoxious in class. Their clothes... Hello America! Hello little girls!  You wear pants for a reason! Shirts are SHIRTS! I'd pull up your shirts for you, but I'm respectable and things... I have dignity... And I'd get arrested for touching you. Like a bad driver who thinks all the pedals are breaks! How many wrecks can one have? And like, you know, drunk drivers. I was wasted once, the cop pulled me over. I yelled 'I swear to drunk I'm not God!' Yeah, I had to have my Grandma bail me out that night. Grandma, fantabulastical job knocking out... I mean arguing my case against the cops..."

Hatter Rant 5/4/13

"You know those people who look smart but don't act it? Like "Manhattan is in Brooklyn...". Fire is apparently unstoppable. WATER, JESUS. WALKING ON WATER. Have you noticed how some people have no common sense? Although, who am I to talk? I have common sense, but that doesn't mean I'm sane. OH NO. But there are people who ask if rainbows are colorful. RAINBOWS. People ask me about my wall of hats. Of course, I've worn every single one.. Even the tiara! Yes, that was an interesting night. Anywho, you know how fairy tales make no sense? I mean, they're just raunchy.. I've worn Peter Pan's hat, and Cinderella's crown, but somehow they always meet terrible ends. The original Ariel, she murdered herself and turned into foam on the ocean. How? And why? And not to mention Snow White's story. She lives with seven middle aged men? Come on. STRANGER DANGER. STRANGER DANGER. And one last thing... How about Sleeping Beauty? She could have been dead for all the prince knew... NECROPHILIA!!!!!!!!!!"